Prologue
My mother used to say to me all the time before she tucked me into bed when I was younger.
“You never know what you got till its slipped from you fingers Clara; promise me you’ll cherish everything in your life, you never know how long you’ll have it for.”
I guess you could say she was right, and in some situations, or in other people’s lives she could have been very correct, but, to me, if you hold on to something or someone too much it hurts more when they leave.
Since Mom disappeared completely off the face of the earth when I was 10, I guess you could say I’ve never been the same. I trust few people, and I often limit that trust to a point where I just don’t talk at all. One person I’ve ever trusted completely was someone who seemed to understand the most why I shut down from the outside world, why I didn’t talk much, why I didn’t go out much.
I held myself in my own little world where I felt safe, until that world shattered around me. Until I didn’t even know where I was, or who I should be.
Chapter One
The familiar sound of Jake’s Mom cooking dinner down stairs faded as Jake turned up the volume on his favorite song. The lyrics floated around the room as loud as the tiny stereo could bear to play. With one agile move Jake was off the bed and on his knees on the timber floor of his room, doing one of the worst air guitar solo’s he’s ever done.
“I’ve taught you a million times how do to it properly”, I joked, “Besides you do it like this.”
I joined Jake on my knees beside him on the floor and did the solo I’ve done over and over through out the years whenever the song came over the radio.
When the song ended I was aware of Jake starring at me, I turned towards him and took in the familiar face.
Rich chocolate brown eyes, framed by a face that had been tanned so much, it was a permanent light brown, and golden brown hair that was hanging all over his head like he’d just woke up, yet seemed to be stylishly messy.
“What?” I asked, “You were doing it horribly wrong.”
He jumped back up on the bed and turned the volume down on the stereo.
“Well I can’t help it, you’re good at playing the music I just have excellent taste in songs and bands.” He flashed me a cheeky smile and stretched out on the bed taking up the whole mattress.
I stood up and walked over to him and smiled down at the poor bed that was far too small for how quick Jake was growing. His eyes were closed but as I walked over he opened one eye and looked up at me.
“What? I’m tired.”
Before I could reply Jake’s Mom’s voice sounded up the stairs.
“Come on you two, dinners ready.”
I sat down on his legs and started bouncing up and down.
“C’mon dinners already ready and I’m starving.”
“Go away…” he mumbled “I’m not hungry.”
“Whatever Jake, When are you not hungry?” I walked out of his room and down the stairs till I was in the dinning room of Jake’s house.
His little sister was already at the table and turned to look at me when I walked in.
“Hi Clara” her tone was friendly but she kept glaring at me “Where’s Jake?”
Salena and I had gotten along fine until a couple of years ago; she started glaring at me and would do anything she could whenever I came over to keep me away from Jake.
I kept my voice friendly, but glanced at her with a face of no expression.
“He’s upstairs being a lazy head and won’t get out of bed.”
Louise sighed and looked at the clock; it was only 7:30.
“He hasn’t even eaten yet and he’s already asleep.” she turned and stood at the bottom of the stairs.
“Jake, get up! Dinner’s ready.”
All you could hear was mumbling from upstairs, then you could just hear Jake yelling down at his mother.
“Not hungry.”
Louise turned and walked back to the table, and looked at me.
“Clara could you go tell him it’s Mexican for tea? That should get him up.”
“Sure thing Louise.”
“Thanks sweetie.”
I went up the stairs and walked into Jake’s room as casually as I would my own. I’d been over so many times I could practically walk the entire house in my sleep.
Jake was still lying on the bed with he’s eyes closed and didn’t even move a muscle when I walked in.
“Jake come on get your arse downstairs, I’m hungry and I’m not gona start without you.”
“Then you’ll go hungry.”
He still didn’t move and looked for almost a second that he was fast asleep.
I turned around and opened the door, knowing what would happen when I said the next words.
“Oh well then, more Mexican for me.”
Within two seconds he was up and looking at me with eyes bright.
“Tacos and Enchiladas?”
“Yup.” I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. Jake loved Mexican almost as much as he loved Archery and Karate. I could always get anything from him if I involved food though these days.
“You better not be lying, or I’m gona be angry.” but when the words left his mouth he was smiling.
“Race you down”
I took off down the hall and down the stairs. By the time I was half way, I could hear Jake not far behind me.
How does he move so fast anyway? When we both did Karate I was the most flexible and had the worst temper, and Jake was the fastest runner. Every race we’d ever been in he always ended up winning. But lately he was becoming even faster I jumped off the stairs four steps before they ended and took off round the corner pass the living room and went crashing into my seat at the table.
Almost as soon as I was sitting down Jake was behind me pulling his chair out and sitting down. I turned and poked my tongue out at him.
“Haha I won.”
He already had three enchiladas on his plate and was making a taco.
“Only because you had a massive head start.” he said smiling and he opened his mouth and shoved the taco in. I turned to my plate and grabbed an enchilada. Jake had finished his taco and was about to start his enchilada’s when he looked up at his mother.
“Mom I love you, you make the best food, ever”
Louise rolled her eyes, “Love you to dear, especially when you clean up after dinner.”
“Haha suck”, Salena laughed as Jake’s head fell down.
“Oh come on Mom, No fair”
“Plenty fair thank you very much.” Louise replied and kept eating.
Jake on the other hand was still gona try and get out of it.
I sat back in my chair and watched the small family quarrel and I could almost pretend that I lived here, that I didn’t have to go home tomorrow to a Dad who stayed in front of the television all day and a little sister that I couldn’t control. That the bills were paid and I didn’t have to work extra shifts at the diner on a Friday and Saturday night, to pay them. That my homework was done and I could just relax.
But this wasn’t my real family, they looked after me and treated me like I was but I wasn’t. Jake’s house wasn’t my home but it was the closest thing to one I’ve ever had in a while.
“I’ll help you clean up Jake,”
Louise looked at me with a smile on her face. “No Clara you don’t have to, Jake will happily do it.”
“No it’s okay I’m happy to help.”
“Okay, but Jake,” she turned towards him and pointed her fork at him, “your clearing tomorrow.”
“Fine.”
I turned back to my plate and smiled to myself. Louise was one of those mothers who would always be there for you but if you did wrong she’d let you pick up the pieces and fix your own mistakes. She was practically my second mother but looked nothing like my real Mom. Louise had blonde hair like her son and was tanned like him, she was a short woman but it didn’t stop her, she looked after everything around the house and the surround 300 acres of property. Jake had bought himself a quad and if I ever couldn’t find him he’d be out there in the bush practicing his archery or with the rest of his mates, being an idiot.
I looked back up at the faces around, me and couldn’t help but notice the absence of Jake’s Dad. When I asked where Justin had disappeared to he told me his Dad had left for a while to sort things out, but I knew Jake better than that and could tell he was lying.
Yet I didn’t push the subject, when my Mom left I didn’t tell anyone that she was gone or anything about what life was at home until I met Jake. He was the only one who knew about things at home, but I think he’d told Louise.
After dinner I went and brushed my teeth and curled up on the bed I slept in when ever I was over. Jake’s room was on the second story and I slept underneath his room. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep, my mind wondering and always coming back to things I would have to do at home, I’d remember that Jake was above me and I’d remember the way he’d fight at Karate. Strong, fierce and completely concentrated, I’d just feel completely safe, he always made me feel safe, something about him told me he was protective of me. So like I’d always do, I closed my eyes and minutes later I was asleep.
Chapter Two
I walked through the front door of my house and chucked my back pack on the kitchen counter surround by all the dirty dishes that needed to be washed.
Might as well get started Clara I told myself.
I could hear my fathers TV going upstairs and I launched myself into automatic. Get this done and find something else to do so you don’t have to go upstairs.
It sounds horrible, and I know I sound like a bitch, and I really do love my Dad. He just is never really there anymore, when I look into his eyes its like looking at nothing, like there’s no soul anywhere within him anymore. Plus a couple of years ago he got a bit abusive…
I finished the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and living room.
No more putting it off.
I walked up the stairs and to the left until I was standing in front of my father’s door.
Automatic. Now.
I opened the door and slipped inside. I felt the mask I wear around my father slip in to place. Jonathan was in his usual position on the recliner chair, and didn’t even flinch when I came in.
“Hey Dad, It’s me.”
His head turned slightly and I saw him glance at me from the corner of his eyes, before he turned back to the television.
“I know who you are, Clara.”
“Right, I know that, um, is there anything I could get you.”
The smell of liquor and smoke came over me suddenly and I flash backs to times when he was really bad, when nothing I could do or say could stop the hurt.
Bruises. Again. Again. Hitting. Pain. Mom help me.
I shock my head to erase the images from my mind. That was along time ago Clara, its not now. Jonathan turned his head full on and looked at me.
“Where were you last night?”
“I was at Jake’s.” My father was starring me down with cold eyes.
“You didn’t tell me you were going.” his voice whipped across the space between us, cold, and dead.
“I though you would just know I was there, sorry won’t happen again.” I left out the part of how I actually did ask permission and got a yes.
Jonathan was out of his chair and storming towards me before I had time to blink. He slapped me hard and fast across the face, then took me by the arms and trough me to the floor. I should have seen the signs. The alcohol and the smoke, it was the drugs again.
I could feel myself falling back to a place I haven’t been in three years. Down into darkness where only sudden bursts of pain came through, where I couldn’t hear anything. Where I endured everything in silence.
~*~
I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when I heard Hazel come home. I looked at the clock. 8:00. Wow, a record for her, she was usually home at 10 or 12, on school nights if I was lucky, but she stopped going to school a long time ago.
She came through the hallway and sat at the kitchen counter.
“Hey Clar’s, where were you last night? I couldn’t find any leftovers in the fridge. Had to go hungry.”
“Sorry Haze, stayed at Jake’s, next time why don’t make a sandwich or something.”
I looked up at Hazel and met her eyes. Her cat green eyes starred at me and I could see the smile that crept across her pale face, her blonde hair was all tangled and she looked like she’d run five miles to get here.
“Who are you to tell me what to eat, or what to do?” the smirk on her face was of pure hatred, “Dad still on the bottle?”
I opened my mouth to reply but she interrupted me before I could.
“Don’t say no to me Clara, No amount of make-up is going to cover those bruises.”
And with that she left and retreated into her room, seconds later I could hear music creeping out from the crack under the door.
I continued making dinner with tears slowly, and quietly pouring down my face.
When I was finished I loaded some spaghetti on two plates, took one with me down the corridor and knocked on Hazel’s door. The door suddenly went flying open.
“What do you want!”
I just looked at her and passed over a plate of food.
“Your dinner”. And with that I walked away, back to the kitchen and upstairs, where I left the other plate of food outside Dad’s door for whenever he was hungry.
As I walked down the stairs I went back into automatic and cleaned up. When I was finished I stood in the middle of the living room starring at the floor.
Move! Do something don’t stand there and cry! You don’t cry! Its not who you are!
A voice at the back of my head was screaming at me but I engorged it, and went and looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
As I starred at myself I could almost believe I was a different person.
The foundation did nothing but make the bruises more definite. My bottom lip was cut and bleeding. I lifted my shirt to look at the bruises that lay splattered across my chest and stomach like someone had flicked black and blue paint all over me.
In that moment I saw myself yesterday, sitting in Jake’s room being myself, just me. My brown hair was most likely as crazy and frizzy as it usually is, and I would have suited it. I liked to be ridiculous and just pretend like I had no worries in the world. I liked to pretend to everyone else and fool myself into thinking I had a normal life, that I didn’t come home to a place where I didn’t feel safe.
My other personality I used for my friends, when we went out, for school, the other me let lie’s slip off the end of her tongue, with no regrets while I remained inside screaming. I used ‘Auto’ at home, where I just walked around like a zombie, cleaning and doing what I was told.
I closed my eyes and imagined what I looked like with no bruises.
I had brown hair that fell past my shoulders, light blue eyes with yellow rims like a sunflower, pale skin and an ordinary face. I wasn’t as skinny as a rake like most girls, I had meat on my bones, even my shoulders were a bit broad, I was tall, yet I could never pull off a good figure.
So too sum it up I hated how I look, so when I opened my eyes and starred at the familiar face in the mirror, with black splotches on my skin. For a second they seemed to suit me.
~*~
To say I slept peacefully would be a lie, Hazel invited friends over and about midnight. I had no control over her, I couldn’t tell her to make them leave. Hazel did what she wanted when she wanted, and never let no-one push her around.
I layed in bed and let then music coming from her bedroom roll over my body. I tried to block it out but that did no use, so at about three in the morning I had had enough. I threw on some decent clothes and went on a hell path to Hazel’s room. I knocked on the door like a madman. Hazel opened the door with a drunken look of complete pleasure on her face.
“Hey sis! Where ya been? Come join the festivities”
“Hazel, in case your blonde hair has taken over all of your brain cells, I’m gona let you in on a little secret.”
I beckoned her closer.
“What is it Clar’s? I wana know the secret.”
Her ear was close to my mouth as I shouted in her ear.
“It’s three in the morning! And I have to go to work tomorrow to make sure there’s enough money around so you get eat and somehow get yourself enough alcohol to survive!”
My temper was going through the roof what happed to me? Since when did I loose my temper for no reason?
“Wow! Hearing Clara! If you keep yelling I’m gona go deaf.”
“Then get all these people out of here before I go insane.”
I starred her down with my eyes putting as much menace into my glare as possible, and shifting my position till I was in a Karate stance, even she recognized. The bruises must have helped because she took a step backwards. But her drunkenness seemed to disappear suddenly
“Don’t Clar’s please.” her face pleaded with me, almost as if I shouldn’t sleep so she could get drunk with some of her mates.
“Hey Haze whats taking you so long.” A lanky boy with blonde hair came up behind her and wrapped his hand around her waist in a way I don’t think I should have seen, and looked at me.
“Holey shit! What happened to you? You look like you got hit by a train.”
I turned my attention back to Hazel, choosing to ignore the dude who seemed so content on annoying me and getting it on with my little sister.
“Hazel?”
I said her name like a question to which she new what answer I wanted.
“Clar please don’t.”
Her face pleaded with me again, as the blonde boy kept moving his hands up and down her leg.
“Fine Hazel, but at least turn the music down,” I sighed “I need sleep.”
“Thanks Clar and I will,” she shot a quick glance at the blonde boy, “or try to.”
It was as good as I was going to get.
“Goodnight Hazel.” and I left before she shut the door in my face like normal Hazel-style, and made my way to my bedroom. By the time I had changed and got back into bed the music had died down and I could go to sleep. But not before I thought about what kind of situation Hazel could be in, and if the blonde guy had anything to do with it.
Chapter Three
Sometimes I really hate going to school. Hearing the teacher drone on and on when I really only want to do is sit down on the oval and play the guitar. But I put up with it. Even thought I fail everything except English, Music and Drama. So when Mr Hendry started going on about mitosis, I completely blanked out and stared out the window. For some reason unknown to me, I never had to pay attention in class, when it came to assignment and tests, I’d guess the answers. Yes ok, maybe I fail a lot, but I usually got C’s. Besides when was I supposed to find time to study? Let alone get some sleep of a night. I don’t know if I can face Jake today. He can always tell when things have gotten worse at home. I have no idea how but he just looks at me and starts to get pissed off. The bruises went down over night so their easy to cover, but they still hurt. Then the bell rang dragging me out of my reverie, and reminding me that I’d have to avoid Jake for the rest of the day. I was half way out the door when Mr Hendry’s voice reached me from the other side of the classroom.
“Miss Johnson. Can I see you for a moment?”
Mentally groaning I walked back over to Mr Hendry and stood in front of his desk.
“I was talking to Mrs Spall this morning, and she informed me of your situation at home.”
I held back the groan that threaten to leave my lips, and just nodded my head.
Mrs Spall was the schools guidance councilor. She was a tall striking woman who always had an aura of calm; she had a sense of humor though. She’s one of those rare people who naturally care about others. I’d seen her for about 4 months last year at the request of the school.
“I must admit I was worrying about your grades, this being your last year of school and all. But my opinion has changed after that conversation.”
While Mr Hendry was talking my head slowly lowered to the ground, but I brought my head up to look him in the eyes.
“Sir, if you don’t mind me saying, I don’t want any special treatment. My mother left along time ago. I’ve been doing fine.”
“Well your grades say another thing Clara, and I’m worried that you won’t pass grade 12.”
I was getting annoyed, I’d never like Mr Hendry and he was really starting to get on my nerves. Since when does he decide whether or not I’m coping? I’m doing fine!
“Maybe I could give you less homework or-” Mr Hendry was half way through his sentence when I stood back from his desk.
“I do not need any less homework or special treatment Sir; I’ve explained that to the school countless times. I don’t appreciate you telling me what I can handle.”
And with that I walked out of his classroom, slammed the door, and ran right into someone. I didn’t know it was Jake until I was back against the wall and his hand was on my cheek, right where my father had hit me only two nights ago.
“You can see it in the sun.” Jake mumbled.
“Jake.” I sighed.
“Why didn’t you call me Clara? The moment after he hit you why didn’t you call me?”
“Because you would have killed him! Or tried to at least and that would just make it worse. And you know it.” I pointed my finger at him. “Besides Jake, there’s nothing you can do.”
“What if you came and lived with me, Selena and Mom? You know Mom wouldn’t mind, she loves you like her second daughter.”
Jake was grabbing at straws and I could see from his face that he was worried. Really worried.
“Jake I can’t, I’m sorry but I can’t leave Hazel, if anything I have to be there so nothing happens to her. The thought of my father hitting Hazel sent anger though my body like a red haze.
“Clara, do you always have to save everyone. Besides I never said Hazel couldn’t come.”
“Hazel hates you with a passion and you know it, besides she’s perfectly happy where she is.” And it was true Hazel, was perfectly happy getting drunk every night with her friends.”
“What are you going to do when you finish school? Stay there in that house with Hazel?”
I let that thought run through my head for a moment before I realized I most likely couldn’t do it. I’d have to find some place out of town and adopt or foster Hazel so she could come with me.
“No. I’ll move.”
I saw the understanding in Jake’s eyes. He knew I wouldn’t survive in that house for much longer.
“Move in with us Clar.” I herd the longing in Jake’s voice; he just wanted to protect me.
“I’m not going to move in with you Jake ok? It’s just not going to happen.”
“Why not Claera?” Jake was starting to sound whiny.
It couldn’t happen. Jake’s house would be the first place father would look and I don’t want to consider what he would do when he found me. But Jake wouldn’t understand that. I had to lie to him, as much as I’ve always hated doing it. He wasn’t going to let go of this subject until I did.
I turned around to face him and looked him in the eyes. I’d always been a good liar and I was in the middle of my biggest attempt at a lie.
“Because I don’t want to Jake that the honest answer. I don’t want to move in with you.”
And with that I walked away from the only best friend I’d ever had and the only confident I will ever have again.
~Jake~
After my little ‘conversation’ with Claera I wasn’t feeling up for class, so I did what I had started doing a lot lately. Wagging.
Wagging.
Sounds like a bad word to the straight A’s of the school but hey to the lower scum of the school’s popularity chart that word was the ultimate salivation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate school, I just don’t see the point of it. I only came for Claera anyway, too look after her. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever known yet she’s the most stubborn and moody person I’ve ever known. And I’ve got a teenage little sister.
Speak of the Devil and she shall appear. Salena came around the corner from the school and I could see her clearly through the window of the local coffee shop booth where I was sitting. She looked up after a while and stared right at me. Of course she knew where I was. Her senses were getting stronger. She only had about a year left now.
I watched her as she came swaggering up to the cafe door and flung it open, slamming it against the wall.
Her smirk was so much like Dad’s that I had to look away. I’d see him soon anyway.
“Hey big brother.” Salena spat at me as she sat down in the booth across from me.
“I heard about your little argument with Claera. Get cut down?”
She was trying to make me bite but I wasn’t interested.
“Yeah I guess you could say that.”
She dropped her teasing face as she leaned across the table at me. I could tell she was actually trying to have a conversation with me for the first time.
“You can’t protect her Jake. You know that, so why bother?
Her words stirred the pot of anger that was boiling inside of me.
“Because I actually care about someone other than myself.”
She recoiled back to her side of the table as my words stung at her pride.
I knew Salena would never understand. She hadn’t seen Claera’s bruises and seen her grow up at 10 years old. She hadn’t been the one who couldn’t even protect the ones they cared about.
While I was sitting there in my own pool of self pity, Salena had devised the most cutting words she could master.
Yeah well, at least I’m not the one ditching Mom and leaving her with all that land to look after. At least I’m not turning into a werewolf.”
And with that she got up from the table and walk out of the cafe back in the direction of school.
